"Crying"

My Thoughts

A Cry from deep within me has been held back for some time. How long can I hold it in? It's painful, and I want to let it out... I'm scared who will see me. For someone to see my weakness, is not something I am ready for. I so many times pretend to be so strong... Stronger than I am...

When Life seems to get out of control, naturally I start to control other parts of my life. I want to control everything, from what I eat to who will love me.. For most this is impossible, and everything happens for a reason.. I know that.

The guy I adore most in this world, doesn't even know...Our lives are so different.. it is so true... I do not want to admit it...

This makes me feel out of control sometimes.. and on the outside everything looks normal.. but...on the inside it's like a volcano. This is not something I want people to see.

I have a pride that somewhat overwhelms me, most parts of my life...When I think about him I melt, and I take a while to recover from the thoughts of him. The way he touches me. The softness of his sweet lips, how he looks and sounds like an angel when he talks softly to me. These thoughts are what puts me to sleep at night.. These thoughts are also my dreams!

This is what hurts me on the inside...I want to cry.. I think maybe, if I put my pride on a shelf and let it all go, I'll feel so much better, and I can put my emotions into words. I will become the person who I might not want to be. Some one who lets people see their weakness.

What I want, I may never get. Who I want may never even notice me.

I feel the cry it's on the edge of my cliff waiting to fall.. This is the cry that puts you down on your knees, and your hands over your face, the cry, that between breaths, you feel like you are not getting air...

The kind of cry, when your done, you shutter for some time, but what you are feeling is an emotion you have yet been able to put into words, no matter how hard you try...

After my long hard cry, in between the shutters I wipe away the tears so I can see. Memories appear, in my mind. The first time I heard his sweet voice, and the first time he kissed my lips. It's all still there...I just feel so much better...

I have decided that crying...actually feels good.. When it is over, and after the shutters, there is a feeling of relief. It still does not change anything, but it is a release.. A release from all the hurt, and all the things you cannot control.

A good cry,, once in awhile....is not all that bad...